In the first chapter of Genesis (1:27), God says, “Be fruitful and multiply.”  According to Rabbi Eliezer Melamed, the sages interpret this as a mitzvah (a commandment) to have children because, “this mitzvah gives parents [and you] the privilege of participating with God in the birth of a human being.”  The rabbis teach that God wanted us to feel what it is like to be like Him, to be godly, so He vested in us the power of creation.  They teach that having children is proof of our trust that God will provide what is needed.  In addition to expressing our trust in God, having children is an act of faith in humanity—faith that we will leave our children a better world.

My work has been filled with tenderness and joy.  Here are a few examples:  I was called upon to support a patient who came to my hospital at 36-weeks gestation.  She was not particularly religious, but deeply appreciated my ministry of presence and my blessings.  I followed her pregnancy and delivery—I blessed her prior to birth, during birth and afterward.  I also provided comfort and strength to a mother who was giving birth to her second child—after having lost her first baby at 18-months.  We shared sacred visits before and after delivery.  One of my mothers who was Jewish wanted to find a place to hold the baby’s circumcision (and the party that accompanies it) and I helped to secure a beautiful local temple.  I have shared fetal demises with my patients.  Each episode is different—a different life and a different story.  Each life is unique and uniquely precious.  Parents often feel a loss of meaning and a desire to do something—ritual and liturgy that I can provide may be the only formal way parents can publicly recognize the life of their baby.

In addition to following the HAND guideposts handout that I pass out there are many things that I can do to help my patients and nurses—we are both engaged in the healing process.

In preparing to provide ritual support, I ask the parents who they want with them.  Is there someone in particular that they need?  Are there any rituals in their family for when someone dies?  What can I do to honor this life?  Have they chosen a name for the baby?  Would you like me to bless the baby or to hold a baby naming ceremony?

As chaplain I share in peoples sadness.  Nothing can make the pain go away—but there is something therapeutic in trying to make loss meaningful.   I guide and support people, addressing their spiritual or religious needs as well as reflecting on life’s ultimate issues.  The big questions help guide us through passionate and purposeful lives—lives lived with commitment and integrity.

The following is an allegory that I like to share. I find that it is helpful in consoling parents. When the young son of the great Rabbi Yochanan died, his student, Rabbi Eleazar ben Arah, told him this story, “The king entrusted a precious object to one of his subjects. The subject was in a constant state of worry. ‘When will I be able to return the object undamaged and un­soiled to the king?”  My teacher, you are in a similar situation. You had a young child who left this world without sin. Be consoled that you have returned, in a perfect state, that which the King has entrusted to you.”

 I amhere to serve in whatever way I can, to discuss and reflect on life’s ultimate issues, such as what is your passion, how can you satisfy the deepest desires of your heart, how can you live a meaningful life—these questions guide us through passionate and purposeful lives and assist in a healing of the soul.  This is helpful for my patients and staff.

There are a few questions:

Is there something that we give parents to take home with them as evidence of the existence of their baby.  This can be helpful as the parents move through the grieving process.  Are photos taken of the baby?  Do we take foot/hand prints?  Do we have cards or candles?  Do we have naming certificates? Do we have a memory box for parents to take home? (Does the staff dress the baby and then give the parents the dress, hat and blanket for a keepsake?)  Can we retrieve a lock of hair  or a blanket for a keepsake to put in the memory box? Can we provide a service or blessing to honor the baby’s life?